Staying at home with just my television for company has provided me with a unique perspective on the outside world. For example:
- Carpeting our homes is the #1 issue in all of our lives.
- One word: DIABEETUS. It’s going to get all of us, but we are all fortunate to know where to get our diabetes supplies. We can also, thankfully, get fresh catheters instead of boiling the old ones. Seriously.
- Also, Wilfred Brimley is terrifying.
- We are all extremely fat and cannot live without diet supplements or ab machines. Thankfully, I was sitting down eating cookies when I heard that.
- I can regulate my pooping with yogurt. This is an untested theory.
- I don’t have to stop my life because of limited mobility. Nowadays, I can apparently drive a power scooter from Boston to the Grand Canyon, and will be able to strap my super portable oxygen tanks to the back. I wonder if they can be used as jet packs.
- My bones are dissolving as I age. Which is most likely true, and I’m looking forward to becoming a gelatinous heap.
- I cannot be turned down for insurance due to my age. However, I can be turned down for all other reasons, real or imagined.
- According to all the lawyers that advertise during the day, I don’t have to pay my taxes, I can sue the kid that made me cry that time in third grade (BASTARD, VENGEANCE IS MINE), and I need to review all my medications, because I can sue just for taking those also. I’m still researching to see if this counts for Pamprin abuse. Who needs to work?
- Going back to college is easy as a click on the computer, because actually interacting with people is so 2003.
- We should all wear necklaces with buttons that call 911 if we fall down the stairs. If we don’t, we are FOOLS. They should make them with diamonds, as a girl needs style.
- Infomercials will provide me with all the gadgets I need in life. If I buy them all, they will do all of my cooking, laundry, hair styling, car repair, and plumbing. Also: PAJAMA JEANS. Can’t wait!
- If I take heart medicine, I am instantly transported to springtime in a park to run with balloons alongside other heart patients. Nobody told me heart attacks were magic!
See? My time at home hasn’t been wasted.
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