Hi! It’s me, Miss Littleheart! Seriously! I wouldn’t kid around like that. No, it’s really me. Don’t call 911, they won’t bother and you’ll look dumb for calling. They frown on lie tellers, so don’t be one. Nobody wants to see you on Cops.
I’m sure you’ve spent the last few months wondering what happened to Miss Littleheart and her homespun yet bedazzled advice and commentary. Oh sure, you came up with the usual scenarios (internationally jetsetting, sitting in my vault counting my money, coming up with a spreadsheet to keep track of all my boyfriends, drying out someplace), and you might be right. Okay, you’re not, but I like your scenarios. So much better than what I’ve been going through. It’s hard to be humorous when things are bad. Yes, I said humorous. I AM TOO.
To be honest, the last few months have not gone well. Which is an understatement of epic proportions. Other than supporting this fine website, I’m jobless. Unemployment is running out, my car made me take it to the extortionist mechanic due to the sunroof leaking and questionable brakes. Everyone on Earth seems to be having babies, having baby showers, or having a birthday (how dare these people?). My heat is set on frozen. And nobody wants to hire me. This is not right.
I have to pat myself on the back for at least lasting almost a year on my savings and unemployment; no borrowing money from anyone or hooking (only because I don’t have the wardrobe). But what does one do? Do I break into my 401K and lose thousands of dollars to capital gains taxes, just for an immediate inflow of cash that is only going to help temporarily? That’s the last thing I want to do, but I might not have a choice.
In real life, I’m a graphic designer for print, no web. So, if anybody still looks at this, please provide your suggestions in the Comments, or if you have any superduper ideas, send them to askmisslittleheart@gmail.com. If they involve hooking (already thought of it) or drug dealing (thought of it, looked in medicine cabinet, and realized nobody wants old Tylenol), try something else. The phone lines are open.
Now, I’m going to stop whining and get back to business. So where are your questions, slackasses?
Yo babe what’s up? How you been? I think you should be a lesbean escort.
As I am also unemployed, I have infinite hours to spend checking websites where I hope funny writers will return and say something to entertain me, because I have exhausted all of television and the rest of the Internet, because THAT, Miss Littleheart, is how much time I have on my hands.
Anyway, which brings me to my suggestions:
OPTION 1: Writing. Fiction writing, which is what I tried, is a losing game, but I hear travel writing’s a good gig, and other non-fiction sells. You’re certainly funny enough, and entertaining. You’re a very witty writer. For how to go about this, I recommend finding markets for your work on the Writer’s Market (online) (writersmarket.com). Worth the one-year subscription. However, it takes time to hear back from anybody, so that won’t be instant cash. I just think you could do it is all. And you wouldn’t have to sell old tylenol, or do any other sordid things. Any questions about how to proceed, email me.
OPTION 2: Go back to school and get a masters in something related, like Usability (Human Computer Interaction), which is what I am going to do if I don’t get a job by the summer. I am told that if I do this as night school, and enroll part time, I will be able to work during the day as a Usability professional, and I see jobs advertised for Usability all the time. It’s pretty interesting work when you get into it, even as it sounds dry on the surface. It has made me rethink a lot of the way I designed things in the past. So I’m hoping that I get this job (which is actually a usability job) and I don’t have to take the GRE again, but if not, I will be re-learning math, and, yeah, all that.